10 Common Problems of Being a Matandang Dalaga
Click here and read about the 10 Things You Must Do When you are a Matandang Dalaga.
Below are 10 of those problems. Some are serious and some are just downright embarrassing.
#1 Metabolism
It swear it shifts gear the minute you turn 30. It’s like, it suddenly realizes it has been running for 30 years and it just wants to stop and it absolutely gives no fine eff about you. Suddenly, the pizza you used to chum like a starving Ninja turtle is starting to turn into fats that suddenly found a home in your belly.
Suddenly, wearing those skinny jeans makes you look a cupcake, perfectly molded bottom portion, and spilling flavors from waist up. I used to lose weight just by dropping meat and lessening my rice but since I reached 30. Even going on a fruit diet doesn’t cut it. Lately, I have only been eating vegetables and oatmeal and weekdays and only eat “sinful” foods on weekdays and I am still gaining weight. It’s like my metabolism took an extended nap and realized all those naps he has missed out on and refuses to go to work.
#2 Younger Men
Suddenly you feel like a pedophile or, at the very least, a desperate old woman who can’t find someone her age. You see a hot guy that is perfectly your type. You smile and you plan on how to flirt and he seems to be interested at you, too.
The tragedy, however, is when it hits you. You’re going to look like a sugar mama and not in that Demi Moore kind of way but in that Madam Auring /Mommy Dionisia kind of way.
#3 Raising Your Parents
When they want a TV set, you decide which brand to buy,
where to buy it, when to buy it and you also get to pay. You go to a restaurant and you get to order
for everyone, you teach them how to open those damn crabs and you also get to
pay. You teach them how to use that iPhone they have been whining about and you
tell them how to behave on Facebook without looking like disgusting old flirts.
You explain to them concepts of the modern world that involves bidet, Instagram
and digital dating.
Suddenly, nothing you get to plan vacations, holiday menu
and their future.
Suddenly, you realize that you need to watch what you say
and what you do around them because you don’t want them to get the wrong ideas
of things or of you. You protect their feelings even if it means “lying”. You
fight those who say things against them.
#4 Pop Trends
The pleated layered mini skirt is all the rage but
wearing them at your age may cause some rage.
Girls seem sexier when they go to work undone but
at your age, wear it to work and you’re done.
Going braless under a loose cotton shirt seems chic
but for your age, it’s simply sick.
What used to be a natural thing for you to do becomes a
reason for the world to call you desperate pathetic old maid trying but
miserably failing to look young.
#5 Your Own Class and Standards
Independence is almost automatic when you are still single at 30. After all, you wouldn't still be alive at 30 unless you are independent... well, unless you have no shame and live like leach by sucking your other people's money and time.
Otherwise, being single past your 30s with some dignity means you have a lifestyle that you, more or less, like or, at the very least, worked your entire life at building. You travel at least twice a year. You like finishing one book a week. You like joining hikes. You like taking in classes like Photography, guitar, cooking and others. You like going out on Saturdays or staying home on Saturdays.
You drive a car you bought. You live in a place you paid for. You earn your keeps and you continue to study so you can continue climbing the ladder.
You treat yourself well and you expect no less from no one. You try to make the best version of yourself, so why get a slacker. You are independent, so why get a leach from a swamp.
Although you don't expect him to open the doors and pull the chair for you all the time, you want someone that also strive to be the best version of himself.
Where on this gawd forsaken country will you find like that. They're all either married or have changed their gender already.
#6 Godmother
I have more than 20 godchildren. About half of those, I "regularly see". I am close to the parents of the children. I expect to continue being asked to become their children's godmother as I still have friends who plan to keep on having children.
I know many of you have more and will continue to have more godchildren as parents continue to see the benefits of getting single successful women friends as godparents (read: huge gifts). The problems is when you get that invitation to become a god parent to a weeding.
What. The. Fact!
#7 White Hair
It's not just the metabolism that changes. There also the color of your hair. It's one thing to get white hair on your head. It's another to see white hair on your armpits. That's when it really hits you that you are so damn old. Coloring your hair is not enough. You also need to do a laser treatment on your armpits to keep those hair from growing or, gawd forbid, you go insane every time you pluck your armpit hair.
#8 Horrendously Embarrassing Past
There is always those moments.
You peed on your bed until you were 7. You shit on your pants when you were in third grade. That guy with bad breath you had a crush on. That dance number in school where fell flat on your face. That time when you were so scared of water you didn't bathe for two weeks. That time when you stepped on a dog shit.
And they were all amazingly captured on camera.
And your mom loves showing it to your friends. Gawd forbid she figures out how to use Facebook, the world will see the photos too.
You know what they say about your past not being really important. That's bullsheet.
#9 +1 Invitation and Events
It's flattering to have people invite you for events... until you see that +1. Then you realize just how insensitive these beetches are.
#10 It Starts to Make Sense that Nothing Make Sense
You live your entire life for something - to succeed in your career, have a child, go to a certain place, find something or whatever it may be. For a matandang dalaga, you devote most of your time in your career and in getting some material things or some experience.
You try and find your essence. You try and prove your worth. You try and find the pattern or the answers or whatever it is that you think could help you figure out the chaos that is your life. Then you slowly do figure it out and you will wish that you didn't figure out... that is that the "sense" you are looking for doesn't exist.
Not everything in your life fits into a bigger plan like pieces of a perfectly cut puzzle. Sometimes, things just happen just because. Sometimes, people betray you just because they suck. You get pregnant because you had unprotected sex. You get fired from your job because you are inefficient. You get expelled from school because you are dumb. You miss the bus because you woke up late. You get a flat tire because you didn't get your car checked.
Shit happens because they can.
How about you? What problems have you encountered that your friends couldn't relate to?
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