Matandang Dalaga

My first relationship lasted 6 years… maybe more. I’m too drunk to remember. However, we stopped becoming a couple in the third year. As brutal as it may seem, I stopped loving him beyond friendship right at the end of our second year. I know what you are going to ask, “Why did it last six years?”. There were several factors. First, every relationship starts out with some sort of delusional ideals. You are so overpowered with infatuation and, maybe, love that you don’t see all the negative things in the relationship or the guy. However, after the second year, things start to die down. The burning romance dies down and the romantic effect that a single burning flame used to bring is replaced with the light of realities. Right around our second year, I started seeing the holes in the relationship and the things about him I know will not be able to take in the long run. For one, he had no drive in his career. I had to push him and guide him to start working and find wo

If I had a dollar for every time I hear it - happiness is a choice. Is it really? Is happiness something you could just decide to do and suddenly you will be? Can you really choose to be happy and suddenly you will feel all your pains and sadness and worries go away and nothing will be left but happines? Or perhaps, you can just decide to be happy and happiness will just program your brain to "not pay attention" to the things that are bothering you? Is it like a command you execute by pressing an enter key and some program will be activated to do exactly what you want done? But even computers take time to process commands. It has to go through channels or stages or whatever it is they call those damn codes. It doesn't go from what you want to the result.

I've never cheated but then again it may be because of the lack of opportunity. As I've said before, I'm neither pretty nor attractive. "Opportunities" don't present themselves to me. Getting one boyfriend is already a stretch for me. I never found myself in a position to have two. So, it's probably unfair to say I am faithful because that has never really been tested. What I do know for sure is that I'm not even interested. When I'm in a relationship, I am focused on the guy I am with. Sure, I have crushes but those are nothing more than infatuation that are more superficial than a 4th-grade crush. I have been cheated on which was pretty amazing considering the guy wasn't particularly good looking. I thought that if you ever get into a relationship with someone that's not good looking, you will have some semblance of security that he will not cheat. Apparently, getting someone to like you has nothing to do with how you look.

My clan... family... whatever you want to call it... has a weird kind of closeness. We live near each other and we talk quite often. We get updated with what's happening with our lives but we're not exactly the kind that's constantly with each other. We're not always there in every highs and lows. Some of cousins are closer with each other than others. We've also had our share of fights. Those fights were badass. We define family fights... ghetto family fights that is. At one point two of my aunties beat each other up in the ground of our compound. It was a perfectly good afternoon. I was watching... whatever it was I was watching and I suddenly heard people screaming and objects being thrown. I rushed out and saw two of my aunties and their children in a fight that would have put an all out UFC audience included no rules rumble to shame. I couldn't even begin to understand what was going on.

I keep on hearing it from people. They say for a relationship to work, both parties must put in he same amount of work. I've never had any relationship that worked and that's probably the reason it didn't The guy and I never put the same amount of work. I honestly think I put in more effort but I'm not sure if the other party will agree. But that's not the point of this post. I just want to know whether people do really take roles in a relationship. I have always thought that there is always one party who is naturally the one who takes care of the other and one party who is taken care of. Yeah, yeah... I know, I know... both have to take care of each other but I think there are people who naturally do the taking care of, like it's their nature to nurture and others who likes being cared for. I hope you know what you mean. I'm just wondering which one are you? Are you even aware which role you take?

I graduated early. By the time I was 18, I already had a diploma. I worked for a prominent “businessman” as a writer and I was his favorite employee because he was “amused” at the fact that an 18-year-old girl is writing for him. When I told him I wanted to try teaching college and that I am taking up my MA, he recommended me to a university. I was excited in my first day.  Click here to read about the different careers you can start when you're 30.  It was an all-girl university. I asked the students to write, in a sheet of paper, the books they have read that was not required by their school. Out of 40 students, only three wrote down something. The rest submitted their papers blank. You gotta be f*ckin’ kiddin’ me. They haven’t even read Little Prince, don’t push your luck with Catcher in the Rye. You’ll be delusional to even ask about To Kill a Mocking Bird.

Let’s call her Diego. She’s part of my “college group” but she actually didn’t go the same university we did. She just trolled us to death until we woke up one day and she’s already a part of our group. She actually went out with one of us but she eventually married the friend of one of us. Her status is not important. What matters is that she’s one of us now. We love her deeply but we are not sure how she became one of us. We’re an evil bunch. Well, they are evil and I provide holy salvation. On the other hand, she’s not evil. She’s just a lost troll sometimes. Saying No to U.S. Her mother is in the U.S. and she was all set to leave. Then, she got pregnant. She was all set to leave but got married instead. What kind of a freakin’ detour is that? From the airport to the church. How did that happen? "Oh, while I wait for my plane ticket, I'll go have sex first... UNPROTECTED! 7 effin' 11 is right around the corner. Why stay? This country is soon going to be

Even when I was younger, Valentine's day was never a particularly attractive event for me. I never liked the idea of going out with your special someone just because the calendar said so. I also hated the mushy feel to it. It was a particularly simple day for me. I stayed home and write or watch lots of movies. I didn't know that it was going to be more complicated when I hit 30 without a husband. Suddenly, Valentine's day is like a malady or a dreaded incurable disease that I contracted. Everyone keeps on asking me what I'll do on that day and I kept on saying, "nothing" but after being asked so many times, I am now starting to wonder if this is some sort of a trick question.

All these talk about February being a love month made me think about how much of a romantic I am or has remained or I am not. I went to read some of the letters I wrote to my ex and realized that I was not a romantic, I was so darn corny it's not even funny. I wonder if people who are in love really do that. Do people that are in love lose their sense of shame and write stuff that are not even a fifth grader who just had her first kiss would even write. I freakin' cringe at what I wrote and if there is any way I could turn back time, that's the one thing I would change. Nope, I won't stop the US from dropping that bomb in Hiroshima. I would just hit my head so hard, it'll shake my brain and then threaten to do it again if I ever write those letters. Those letters are the greatest embarrassment in my life.

Back in college, she got a boyfriend who was tall, dark and handsome. She was crazy in love and I was happy for her. But it turned out, the guy is already married and had a kid and that, apparently, she knew all along. I wasn't sure she got the whole concept of what being an "other woman" is all about so I sort of explained to her the consequence of what she was doing but she was quick to add that he was already separated. The guy left the wife because, I dunno, he was young and didn't really love the girl? He also left the kid, he has no role in his life at all. I thought, well, if he wanted to leave the wife, that's cool but damn, how about the kid?

Some worlds of wisdom I've accumulated from some of my funniest BUT smartest friends.  Try them all, it works.  Ang ganda niya. Parang manika. Nagsasalita kahit walang utak. Utang na loob, hindi cute ang sabihing “I’ll do it all over again”. Kung alam mong katangahan ang ginawa mo. Hindi ka nagiging dakila sa pagsasabing “I’ll do it all over again”, nagiging tanga ka lang. I DON'T THINK HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. Pwede mo bang sabihing, ‘masaya na ko ngayon!’? tapos sasaya ka na nga. Hindi naman ‘yan parang pagse save ng file sa computer na just hit ENTER at ma e execute na. You can’t just choose to be happy, YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO BE MISERABLE but happiness is a natural thing. You can work on it, look for it, wait for it but you can’t summon it at will.